Category Archives: Goals

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolarity

I have been learning quite a bit about Borderline Personality Disorder from reading the book called, “Sometimes I Act Crazy.” I was given this book when I was hospitalized about a month ago and I was first given this diagnosis. The comorbidity of BPD and Bipolar Disorder does not give a very bright outlook on life.

However, I have learned that there is a reason for a lot of the “quirks” that I have that I could not find reasons for with just my Bipolar diagnosis. Knowing that there is a reason for how I think and act doesn’t excuse it, but at least knowing this reason helps me re-evaluate my thoughts and decisions.

I have been discussing my dual diagnosis in a Facebook group I have been involved in for a long time now and I have also joined a psych forum that I have been posting in regularly. I have learned quite a bit by interacting with others who have these dual-diagnoses or with the loved ones of people who do.

There has definitely been a lot for me to think about lately but it all boils down to several key decisions…

  • My relationship is no longer helpful for either of us. Honestly, I think it is more of habit to keep the relationship but what is the price of comfort? I am ready to move on and I need to focus on myself.
  • I am looking for a job in New Mexico. Currently, I am living at my grandmother’s house and I am hoping that I can get a job that will allow me to stay in the area but get my own place. If I can’t get a job and my own place in the next 8-10 weeks, then I will have to move to my mom’s in Vegas where my residence will last a little longer.
  • I would love to be able to hold down a full-time job, get the freelance business with Melissa up and running, and also (perhaps) offer up ESL classes to the community relatively cheap just for extra pocket money

I feel like if things are meant to happen so that I can stay in New Mexico, I would really like to stay here. I visit with my new psychiatrist (the first time I am seeing a mental health professional since I got out of the hospital a month ago) tomorrow morning and I am looking forward to discussing my new dual-diagnosis with him, perhaps learning more. I may discuss medications, how I’ve been feeling on LESS medication, and how I feel being in New Mexico rather than in Vermont so maybe they could help me find a place to live here.

Well, I am working on finishing an article on Textbroker and then I will go do my relaxing for the night which includes writing in my more personal journal, coloring, etc. I have a routine at night that I believe has helped me sleep much better.

Something I’m Proud Of: Offering my crochet services to people I care about, like my cousin’s wife who needs cancer caps, my grandmother who needs sweaters, and my grandmother’s friend who just lost a family member due to suicide.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:

  • Friends dropping by unexpectedly
  • Being able to sleep in late for the first time in a very long time
  • Christmas movies on TV all day

It’s Official: I’m No Longer a Resident of Vermont

My lease on the low-income apartment I had in Vermont ended yesterday. I have to put my keys in the mail to my brother and have him empty my mailbox and send me anything that’s in there that may be important, and then drop the keys off in an envelope through the mail slot at the property management office after he gets off of work one day.

I’m glad that I have a plan for my life and where it’s going. (Notice I didn’t say where I WANT it to go like I would’ve said in the past. I don’t WANT it to go there, it WILL go there.) I make steps every day to make my life better and it’s on the right path. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s important to me to not only work my freelance business every day and build it up, so that I can pay my bills and save money, but also to work my Posh business. I do both of them because I love what I do. I love writing and getting paid for it. I love interacting with my clients and giving each exactly what they need. I have always loved customer service and feel I’m good at it, but I just can’t do retail in busy environments. I’m not social enough.

Granted, I’ve had customer service positions in the past where I didn’t have to work face-to-face with people and I did well, but many didn’t allow me the freedom to tell myself to take a little break if I felt my brain was getting a little overwhelmed. When in any traditional work environment, you can’t just say “Hey, I will be in the breakroom for 5 minutes, I’ll be back.” At least not as often as you need to. Since I work from home, I can take 5 meal breaks, 3 tea and cracker breaks, and 2 TV breaks if I want as long as I still get my work done for the day. (At least the way I do my work; some people strictly schedule their days and that works for them. To each their own.)

I am learning to be even more productive and that will go a long way toward saving up to get that apartment I want to get (and maintain) for my fiance and I. Oh, and I will have to pay for the move as well since I won’t obviously be staying in New Mexico where my Grandma is.

My goals may be lofty but they aren’t out of reach. And in the meantime I still have things to be proud of and grateful for.

Something I’m proud of: maintaining my level of motivation for my work each day

Three things I’m grateful for:

  • Waking up each morning to a sexy voice
  • Having a roof over my head thanks to family
  • Constant love and support from those I love and love me back

Another Productive Day Despite Lackluster Sleep

I went to bed early last night because I was tired and just wanted to curl up in the covers and relax. I ended up falling asleep early but I didn’t stay asleep. In fact, I woke up several times and then tossed and turned until falling back asleep. I finally woke up for decent bit at 3am, but by 7am I was so tired I fell asleep for another 3 hours.

When I’m used to getting up at 4am and starting my work and being productive most of the day, not starting to really dig into my to-do list until almost 11am really threw off my day. I was getting used to a schedule and whatever I was feeling, and for whatever reason, really threw me off.

However, I told myself that once I was up, I was going to sit down and be productive. I made myself a goal for the day to match my freelance writing word count from the day before of 5k words. It is not even 4pm and I am at 4k words and I have a few projects left I can work on that will definitely keep me busy.

I also had breakfast and showered this morning, I have chatted some portion of the day with my best friend and also my fiance, and I ate lunch that my grandmother warmed up for us. (It was leftovers from Mondays lunch of kielbasa, potatoes, and sauerkraut. Makes the house smell horrible but I love the taste.) Oh, and I read the newspaper (it’s a small town newspaper) as well.

Other than matching my 5k word goal from yesterday, I have to write a the December 1st newsletter for the Fantasy and Science Fiction Society on Writing.Com today, and I have to study a bit on a Digital Marketing course I am taking on Coursera that will help me market and run my business more effectively. Those were my three goals today.

I think I will take a break from the freelancing to work on that newsletter. I know it’s a “goal” but it’s more of a fun thing to do than anything. I put it down as a goal more to remind myself to do it than anything. Hahah! I like working on the course studies at night because then I can go to my room and play the course videos/lectures and not bother Grandma while she’s reading or watching TV.

Also, I have been forgetting to write down the most important part of my Swings & Seesaws blog posts, the “something I’m proud of” and “three things I’m grateful for” closing remarks. So, here goes:

Something I’m proud of: my newfound dedication to my goals

Three things I’m grateful for:

  • My fiance’s encouragement and support
  • My health
  • Having access to the internet so I can work from home

Working Hard to Make My Dreams Come True

My one dream right now is to be with my fiance in our own place. Of course, with me living with my grandmother so that I can save some money to pay for a deposit on the apartment we get and the deposit for the utilities, it seems we are as far away from that as we possibly can be. For Christ’s sakes, I’m even in another state. However, the fact that I’ve wanted and needed this more than anything else in my life has me working hard to make this dream a reality.

I have gotten some new online tools to help me stay organized and focused on my freelance writing so that I can increase my income without getting overwhelmed. I am going to work really hard on monetizing my blog on freelancing ( and I am working with my current clients to keep their needs met while attaining new clients that will be reliable in giving me regular work.

I even applied for a holiday/seasonal job at the local Walmart so I can just work for the next few months to save up some money that way as well.

I am working very hard to stay focused on my dream, and my goals each day, so that I can make my dream a reality as soon as possible. Because it’s not just my dream. It’s the dream of my lover as well.

Clover Clothing Company

Clover Clothing for Leggings, Tops, and More!

I am now a rep for Clover Clothing! The official site has not yet been launched so the products on the site are a bit slim but there are SOME and there are only 300 reps (limited at 300 until the official launch).

To shop the store, please visit the following link:

I love the fact that they have such a great range of sizes for leggings!

leggings sizes

Can you believe it! And they have some of the most adorable designs, too. Unlike some of the other companies that only have plain colors or really ugly patterns for the bigger sizes (trust me, I’m a bigger girl, so I know!) this company has cute stuff already and they aren’t even fully stocked yet! Check out this one pair as an example:

leggings example

But they also have graphic tees and cute long tops that everyone loves to pair with their leggings these days. Oh, and I didn’t even know you could get these, but they have top EXTENDERS that you wear under your regular length top or tee to make it longer to wear with leggings. How awesome is that, right?! Check this out?

Hurricane Shirt

That is my most favorite shirt right now and as soon as I get paid I am totally buying that. I need it! And then I need every color (blue, pink, and black) of this shirt:

Long Sleeve Lace Tops

So, check out this brand new company! I think you will love what they have so far and they aren’t even fully stocked yet. (They hope to be soon to have Christmas orders go out!) They will have clothes for infants, kids, women, men, and even shoes! You will hear a lot more from me about my new adventure!

Clover Clothing Company

X Amount of Words

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The good thing is that I’m in a better place now than I was when I last posted. That was a dark place. I actually went to a respite bed for a few days (twice) to get myself back into a better place where I felt safe again. 

The only thing that seems to be bothering me now is my anxiety. It keeps me from getting a good night’s sleep and I often bounce one or both of my legs when sitting if I am nervous. This is awkward around people that don’t know me, especially when I explain that it’s anxiety causing it and they ask me what I have to be anxious about since I don’t work.

Speaking of work, I am trying to get back into freelancing and that will be even easier now that I have a new laptop. Nice, huh? I’m excited. But it will be adding to my anxiety and I have to be prepared for that.

I’ve only written one article so far, but it went well I think. It’s time to find more jobs that I can pace over several weeks. It would be nice to find some recurring jobs, right? Brooke said she’d work with me on freelancing which would be awesome. I’d have a partner in crime!

Well, I should get going. I have more blogs to write. Never-ending…

Homework & my Schedule

The first two plays we read in Shakespeare class were awesome. I loved Hamlet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream was funny! However, this final play that we are reading is going to be the death of me. We are reading Richard III. I just cannot understand the concepts of this person killing off that one to get the throne and then marrying that one even though it’s his cousin or niece or whatever she is. And then having to refer to each person by several different names? I am sooooo f***ing confused right now!

I am just going to try to get the information for my short paper this week from the internet and forgo trying to read the play because it is nothing but frustrating and I am literally in tears at the thought of reading it again.

As for when I am going to do that, I have a new weekday schedule that I am trying to implement. I want to use my time during the day as best I can and get things done. So I have created a schedule that has me getting up at 7 when hubby does and schedules time for homework, blogging, reading, writing, and more. Now I just need to get into the habit of getting up at 7 every day. So far I have made it to getting up at noon, which is a little better than getting up at 3 in the afternoon but a far cry from 7 in the morning! I’ll get there… eventually…

Manic Moods… Wednesday? My To-Do List!

Okay, so the song is really “Manic Monday” but I think I’m having a manic Wednesday. At least, that’s what it feels like at the moment. It didn’t start out this way but I’m starting to get that extra burst of energy and that feeling like I could take on the world. I know I can’t, but maybe I’ll just start with taking on my to-do list?

So what’s on this to-do list? Well, there’s a lot of homework. I may have technically graduated, but I still have classes until the end of August. It’s a weird feeling. For homework reading, I have a 40 page “novella” to read called The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad, a chapter on plotting to read from Master Class in Fiction Writing: Techniques from Austen, Hemingway, and Other Greats (I LOVE this textbook), and a short story called “Steal Small” by Caitlin Horrocks. Quite a bit of reading, eh? Then I have to write a discussion post for the week based on the short story and its plot, and respond to at least two others’ posts. And I have to write a fiction short story of no more than 1,500 words focusing on the plot.

Whew! That’s a lot. And that’s just my homework! I’m also in the process of judging a poetry contest over at Writing.Com and I have reviews to do for a group over there, too. Oh, and I’m reading Sense and Sensibility  and Reading Like a Writer: A Guide for People Who Love Books and for Those Who Want to Write Them (P.S.).

So maybe I should be in one of my manic moods for a day or two to help me get all of this work done! It sure couldn’t hurt!

Writing Critiques are SO MUCH FUN!

The writing workshop yesterday was very fun. I contributed my two cents worth and it was worth a conversation. I felt like I missed some things while I was reading that others were clued into but I think I will get better at close reading the more I do this. The writing critiques I did for them were fun and I feel like I learned a lot from doing them so I guess that is always a good thing.

I also had to write a couple of writing critiques for class this week. These critiques were for students’ stories that were written last week. I did two of them. I liked the writers’ work that I did last week so I chose the same writers this week and I was surprised by the improvement in both writers’ stories. And I learned a bit from doing the critiques for these writers as well.

I think that by doing these writing critiques, I am learning how to critique my own work better. That’s always a great skill to have and you can never been too good at it!

On a personal note, we got a new couch yesterday. Well, it’s a used couch. We got it at ReSource. They treat all of their furniture so you don’t have to worry about bugs or anything like that. It’s really comfy, with recliners in both ends. I am sitting with my feet up now! And it sure is nicer than the couch that was in here before that was busted practically into pieces. And since this one has a metal frame I don’t think it will break as easy as the other one either!

Anyway, I think it’s time to get started on the novel outlining that I want to get done today. At least two chapters is my goal! I can’t wait until I can start really fleshing out this novel!

Procrastinating Away

Just like the title says, I am procrastinating away. I am usually guilty of this to some degree, but not with so many things on my plate. I don’t usually let things get so piled up. When things get backed up like this after I’ve procrastinated for awhile, I usually get a tad bit overwhelmed.

But I’m not getting overwhelmed today. In fact, I’ve already made myself a to-do list and I checked a few things off it before I stopped to relax for awhile again. I will probably get back to things after I’m done writing this blog post.

So what exactly is on this to-do list?

Well, I need to do more reviews for the poetry contest on Writing.Com (yes, I am still working on those), and I am also still working on my homework for this week as well. This week for homework, I need to read a short story and analyze it for showing vs. telling and I need to do a few critiques for the stories we wrote last week. And I told a friend of mine that I would critique a story of his so I need to get on that, as well as critique the two stories for the writers workshop on Friday.

When I look at it that way, it seems like a lot but I think that if I break it up into manageable chunks, I can handle it and get all this stuff done ahead of schedule. I’m thinking next week will be quieter and I can focus on some things that I want to do rather than have to do which will make it nicer, plus easier to get through.

Well, I’m off to tackle the first thing that’s due on my to-do list – homework!