Tag Archives: anxiety

X Amount of Words

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The good thing is that I’m in a better place now than I was when I last posted. That was a dark place. I actually went to a respite bed for a few days (twice) to get myself back into a better place where I felt safe again. 

The only thing that seems to be bothering me now is my anxiety. It keeps me from getting a good night’s sleep and I often bounce one or both of my legs when sitting if I am nervous. This is awkward around people that don’t know me, especially when I explain that it’s anxiety causing it and they ask me what I have to be anxious about since I don’t work.

Speaking of work, I am trying to get back into freelancing and that will be even easier now that I have a new laptop. Nice, huh? I’m excited. But it will be adding to my anxiety and I have to be prepared for that.

I’ve only written one article so far, but it went well I think. It’s time to find more jobs that I can pace over several weeks. It would be nice to find some recurring jobs, right? Brooke said she’d work with me on freelancing which would be awesome. I’d have a partner in crime!

Well, I should get going. I have more blogs to write. Never-ending…

Lots of Changes, I Don’t Like Changes

My old case manager is now on maternity leave. I now have Rene and she’s hardly been in contact with me at all. I want to say she made an appointment with me but in my confusion with someone new I forgot to program it into my phone, and I also forgot to ask her to call me before she leaves the agency so I know she’s on her way. That way I know I’m awake, the door to the back porch is unlocked, and the dogs are put away or outside. Maybe I should call her tomorrow and make sure she knows to do that? I don’t know.

But remember last time I mentioned my anxiety was bothering me? Well, before my old case manager left, she made an appointment with my psychiatrist to make sure I saw him about that and I went to the appointment. He was worried about increasing my Xanax by much more, so instead of doing that, he switched it to Klonopin. So that’s another change I have to deal with.

But at the same time, literally the same day, my primary care doctor prescribed me Tramadol for my restless legs so now I have two new meds and I don’t know if it’s just one of them or the combination of the two that’s doing it but now when I take my meds at night I get this foggy brained headache that only food will cure. It’s a strange feeling really.

But I am just trying to keep up with my to do list each day and not focus on my anxiety or what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day. It’s all I can do, right? Changes be damned.

Anxiety, Worry, Fear

I’m having a hard time with my anxiety tonight. It was just fear after fear going through my head so fast that I couldn’t pick just one to focus on to relieve the constant barrage of them coming at me. I don’t even remember what most of them were now that I am not trying to focus on them. But I just broke down into tears and woke up Quay. I talked to him for a little bit but it was hard with him being so tired and I didn’t want to keep him up anymore than I already had, so I tried to go back to sleep. But it started again, and it was the same thing all over.

I just decided to come downstairs and do something else. Obviously laying in bed was not going to work tonight. Perhaps when I am done with this blog entry I will lay on the couch and watch TV.

But I really don’t know what else to say other than I am tired of living like this. All this worry is working its way into real fear and I don’t like it.

Some Christmas Shopping, a Seizure, and a New Look

I was up early today. Earlier than I thought I would be since I was up till the wee hours of the morning not able to sleep as is the usual lately. I really have to find out what’s causing that and put a stop to it. But Quay was up at about 8 or 8:30 and then I couldn’t go back to sleep after he got out of bed so I got up at 9:30.

We had errands to run today. Well, it was more that my brother had errands to run, we would just be along for the ride for the most part. But he was in bed until almost 11, so we got a late start. He wanted to go to New York to buy cigarettes at the Indian reservation and Plattsburgh wasn’t that far away from there so we went there for our errands.

The cigarettes were cheap. He bought three cartons, so that should last him a while. Then we went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. Quay found a pair of dress shoes for work at a decent price at Target. For $25 we don’t expect they’ll last forever but his old ones are falling apart so…

Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. I can’t believe that Chris ate 20 wings. I don’t know where he puts it all and stays so skinny. I ate half of my chicken wrap and took the rest home.

The next stop was Walmart. He got some random things and an orange fish to put in his fish tank he’s setting up today. This fish is for his girlfriend. Oh, and he bought a bunch of decorations for the tank for the fish to swim in. A sunken battle ship, a sunken battle helecopter, and a temple idol thing. We bought dog food and dog treats, too.

The last stop was Petsmart where he got some things for his Leopard Geckos and then some more fish.

The tank is all set up now and it looks awesome. He just needs more fish for it, since it’s a 55 gallon tank. And I am exhausted after all that walking around and being around all those people. I got so anxious.

When we got home and were putting the tank together, I went into the bedroom (my bedroom, I should say, since my brother’s bedroom is where the fish tank is) to take my shoes off and I ended up having a seizure. I woke up to the dogs freaking out and my mouth tasting disgusting like the dogs had been licking my face or something. I remember calling to Quay, but he didn’t come, and then when I finally told the dog to stop whining, he came in and found me on the floor and helped me up onto the bed. If it is the stress and anxiety causing these seizures, I am just glad that this seizure didn’t happen while we were in the middle of the crowded mall or while we were out to eat or something.

Oh, and you may have noticed that the blog has a new look! I wanted something simpler and with a pop of color. Something that wasn’t black and white. So what do you think? All of the pages on the other style didn’t have anything on them except for the About Me page anyway, so here’s the updated look!

Getting back into the groove…

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written here! I am definitely getting back into my writing groove and you’ll find me here a lot more now, I can put money on it. But, I should probably catch you up on a few things…

After taking a term off of school, I am back at it! This term is Seminar in American Literature. We are reading a lot of popular American short stories, as well as To Kill a Mockingbird and Rule of the Bone for the classwork as assigned. Then, for my final project for the class, I am analyzing The Great Gatsby for the theme of “loss of innocence” – especially where it comes to Jay and Daisy’s relationship. It feels good to be back in school and studying. I have determined my best course of action is to continue part-time until I graduate. I can walk in the ceremony this May, but I will have to continue taking classes until February, I believe. I can do it! It will feel really strange once I’m out of school.

My Bipolar has been giving me trouble as of late and the stress of even the smallest things outside of my comfort zone have been setting me into a tailspin. Because I have found it hard to work ever since my hospitalization in 2010, with jobs lasting no more than a month or two, my husband and I have decided that I should apply for disability. I applied about two months ago and I am awaiting the first decision. I hear that it’s common to get denied on the first decision so I will probably elect to go with a disability lawyer to help me appeal if I do get denied.

Things have been rather tight financially as we near the end of my husband’s undergrad degree. We’ve been living off a meager savings and his GI Bill money, but it’s getting close now. We are hoping he will be able to find a job as soon as he graduates so that things don’t get any tighter around here. He’s found the school he wants to go to for his Master’s program, but it’s online so he can work while he attends school. That will be a big help.

Oh, and I’ve been crocheting a lot more lately! I even opened an Etsy shop although it only has three things in it. It probably won’t be a great source of income but if I can do something with some of the things I sell, then I think it’s a perfect venue for sales. Right now I’m in the process of making slippers, an afghan, and a scarf. I love having multiple projects going at once so I don’t get bored with one of them, especially when one of those projects is an afghan.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to. The next time I write, I will have an update on my writing projects!