I saw my psychiatrist today. He knows me well. I think he knows my moods better than I know them myself. He knew there must be a contributing factor to this mood. Something happened to cause this mixed mood. We talked a little bit about things that were going on, like school and things, and then he mentioned the seizures he knows I used to have. Well, as of the last time I talked to him about them they were somewhat gone, and I hadn’t had any in quite some time.
So this brought up the seizure episodes that happened a few weeks ago and he told me that if anything like that happened again, to go straight to the ER. Don’t wait. The more information they have about these seizures the better they can be about diagnosing them.
But he also believes that was the cause of the beginning of the mood change for me. Something in my life changed drastically and it affected my moods drastically. It only makes sense now that I see it from this side. I don’t know why I didn’t make the connection before.
I see my neurologist about the seizures on the 8th of October and this is a new person whom I am hoping will take these seizures a little more seriously.
I had been in a mixed mood since Thursday, so that’s six days of it. The last few days weren’t so bad as I was able to sleep a little and the mania waned a bit. However, now I feel that I am mostly depressed. I was having a hard time sleeping last night for various reasons – mostly just not being able to get comfortable – but when I woke up for the day, I got so upset that I cried for about 20 minutes and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why.
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried like that. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I was home alone when it happened. I hate being emotional in front of people, but I felt so alone without my husband here to hold me like he usually does when I get like that. I guess that’s something I am going to have to get used to since he is working full-time now.
Tomorrow morning I go to the dentist for a cleaning, and then the next morning I see my psychiatrist. I hope my psychiatrist can help me get this under control.
I needed to write a memoir/non-fiction essay for my Non-fiction Workshop class that started this week. Since I happen to be in a mixed state and more manic than depressed, why not add fuel to the fire, eh?
I decided to write about my first real manic episode followed by the crash, or depression, and then getting diagnosed with Bipolar. I thought it would be easy.
There was so much that happened during those eight days without sleep that I didn’t remember… probably didn’t want to remember. But I brought it out into the light. Not all of it made it into the essay, of course, but it’s all fresh in my head nonetheless. So that’s not really helping my mixed mood much.
I am blasting Blue October, drinking diet Coke, and looking for shit to do. I want to get out of the house tonight and so does hubby but the movies haven’t changed at the drive-ins in weeks except for the Robin Williams tribute movies and he already said no to going to see the UFC fight at Buffalo Wild Wings. He doesn’t really want to go to Burlington which really limits us.
I guess I’m staying home and making Shepherd’s Pie for dinner, maybe I will read if my mind will let me.
So, when you’re Bipolar, you get mania and depression, up and down, the cycle of your life. Right? But what happens when you’re in between mania and depression, wouldn’t you just be normal, without experiencing the effects of either one? Sometimes that happens, yes. But sometimes what happens is something called a “mixed state” and in that state a Bipolar will feel the effects of being both depressed and manic. This is where I’m at right now.
How did I get here? I’ll tell you.
I felt off, like I was starting to feel down, starting last weekend, but there were no reasons for me to be feeling that way and my medications have all been working fine so I thought it would pass. Then by Tuesday I felt even more unmotivated and worthless, but I didn’t just want to lie in bed and stare blankly at the ceiling like I usually do when I get like that. I had energy. By Thursday (this) afternoon the feelings of both depression and mania were in full swing.
It’s like wanting to crawl under the covers and cry, but then beat the crap out of your pillows at the same time. It forces me to do things like clean out enormous and hideously packed closets and go through all my clothes to get rid of the ones I don’t wear or don’t fit me (all the while forcing my husband to do this with me, who is not Bipolar, and certainly nowhere near manic) and then I’m up making French toast at midnight because I saw it on TV. And at any second while all this is happening I could just break down and cry because I’m a total mess inside.
I see my case manager tomorrow at noon. This is the first time she will have to see me having any real issues mentally so I don’t know what to expect from her. I hope she’s helpful. ALL kinds of anxiety going on about that meeting. That is definitely not helping me right now.
I should try to get at least some sleep. Even just resting is better than running at full speed all night. It’s the thoughts while lying there not sleeping that are the problem. 🙁
Okay, so the song is really “Manic Monday” but I think I’m having a manic Wednesday. At least, that’s what it feels like at the moment. It didn’t start out this way but I’m starting to get that extra burst of energy and that feeling like I could take on the world. I know I can’t, but maybe I’ll just start with taking on my to-do list?
So what’s on this to-do list? Well, there’s a lot of homework. I may have technically graduated, but I still have classes until the end of August. It’s a weird feeling. For homework reading, I have a 40 page “novella” to read called The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad, a chapter on plotting to read from Master Class in Fiction Writing: Techniques from Austen, Hemingway, and Other Greats (I LOVE this textbook), and a short story called “Steal Small” by Caitlin Horrocks. Quite a bit of reading, eh? Then I have to write a discussion post for the week based on the short story and its plot, and respond to at least two others’ posts. And I have to write a fiction short story of no more than 1,500 words focusing on the plot.
Hello, Everyone. It’s been a while since I have blogged and I’d like to let you know why.
After my last post, I had started getting manic. Usually if I get manic for a day or two it’s not a problem but this wasn’t going away. In fact, it was getting worse. My case manager suggested a stay at a rest bed.
A rest bed is a place where you can leave all of your responsibilities at home, for the most part, and just come with your pillow and your meds (and clothes, of course) and rest. You visit with the staff there and spend time doing relaxing activities like puzzles, coloring mandalas, playing card games like Skip-Bo and Phase 10, and watching TV shows.
Every evening the staff made dinner for the two people there (of which I was one) and it was nice not to have to cook, although I did help clean up. I was on my own for breakfast and lunch although there was a fully stocked kitchen at my disposal.
I was there from Tuesday afternoon to Friday afternoon and I have to say that my visit there helped immensely. I am feeling much better and the new meds that the psychiatrist put me on to supplement the ones I’m already on will be helping even more in the coming days.
Bipolar mania can be very dangerous if it’s not handled properly and if the right precautions aren’t taken to prevent impulse decisions and injury. I feel I took the proper steps to make sure I was looked over by the right people while I was in this situation and I saw my doctor immediately.
Now that I’m feeling more normal, it’s time to get caught up on all the homework I missed due to being manic for so long!