So Quay caught me in the bedroom with a pair of scissors against my wrist. He hit them away and then slapped my head, telling me to get my shoes on because he was taking me to the ER. The conversation during the ER visit wasn’t very helpful. In fact, I was quite relieved when the crisis worker took him away for a conversation. But then Colleen showed up. I had been in contact with her several times over the holiday weekend so it wasn’t a surprise, and actually calming.
They came up with a plan to take me to a respite house for one night, which is actually a group home with one respite bed in it, and then I would go to Bayview, which is the crisis bed. I was very upset at the respite bed because one person in particular was always angry and upset and when Quay and I were having a conversation, this person was certain we were talking about him. I which Quay would’ve stayed longer to make sure I was okay instead of just leave, but nope, he just left.
A little while later, they came to get me to take me to Bayview. It was already late so I just relaxed and went to bed. The next day was a lot of treatment work though and that was helpful but also hard. That night I slept much better than I had in many months.
Today, so far, I have worked with a new worker who has helped me determine why I self-harm and what my stressors are. We got about half-way through the packet and he said we’d finish the rest tomorrow. Tomorrow I also see my case manager and therapist.
They haven’t told me how long they want me to stay here but I feel safe here and I feel good working on things that will help me when I go home, especially the goals and working on stressors. They are repeating to me that I have a voice in my own home and it’s up to me to use it. I have used it before, I can use it again.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The good thing is that I’m in a better place now than I was when I last posted. That was a dark place. I actually went to a respite bed for a few days (twice) to get myself back into a better place where I felt safe again.
The only thing that seems to be bothering me now is my anxiety. It keeps me from getting a good night’s sleep and I often bounce one or both of my legs when sitting if I am nervous. This is awkward around people that don’t know me, especially when I explain that it’s anxiety causing it and they ask me what I have to be anxious about since I don’t work.
Speaking of work, I am trying to get back into freelancing and that will be even easier now that I have a new laptop. Nice, huh? I’m excited. But it will be adding to my anxiety and I have to be prepared for that.
I’ve only written one article so far, but it went well I think. It’s time to find more jobs that I can pace over several weeks. It would be nice to find some recurring jobs, right? Brooke said she’d work with me on freelancing which would be awesome. I’d have a partner in crime!
Well, I should get going. I have more blogs to write. Never-ending…
I saw my psychiatrist today. He knows me well. I think he knows my moods better than I know them myself. He knew there must be a contributing factor to this mood. Something happened to cause this mixed mood. We talked a little bit about things that were going on, like school and things, and then he mentioned the seizures he knows I used to have. Well, as of the last time I talked to him about them they were somewhat gone, and I hadn’t had any in quite some time.
So this brought up the seizure episodes that happened a few weeks ago and he told me that if anything like that happened again, to go straight to the ER. Don’t wait. The more information they have about these seizures the better they can be about diagnosing them.
But he also believes that was the cause of the beginning of the mood change for me. Something in my life changed drastically and it affected my moods drastically. It only makes sense now that I see it from this side. I don’t know why I didn’t make the connection before.
I see my neurologist about the seizures on the 8th of October and this is a new person whom I am hoping will take these seizures a little more seriously.
I needed to write a memoir/non-fiction essay for my Non-fiction Workshop class that started this week. Since I happen to be in a mixed state and more manic than depressed, why not add fuel to the fire, eh?
I decided to write about my first real manic episode followed by the crash, or depression, and then getting diagnosed with Bipolar. I thought it would be easy.
There was so much that happened during those eight days without sleep that I didn’t remember… probably didn’t want to remember. But I brought it out into the light. Not all of it made it into the essay, of course, but it’s all fresh in my head nonetheless. So that’s not really helping my mixed mood much.
I am blasting Blue October, drinking diet Coke, and looking for shit to do. I want to get out of the house tonight and so does hubby but the movies haven’t changed at the drive-ins in weeks except for the Robin Williams tribute movies and he already said no to going to see the UFC fight at Buffalo Wild Wings. He doesn’t really want to go to Burlington which really limits us.
I guess I’m staying home and making Shepherd’s Pie for dinner, maybe I will read if my mind will let me.
So, when you’re Bipolar, you get mania and depression, up and down, the cycle of your life. Right? But what happens when you’re in between mania and depression, wouldn’t you just be normal, without experiencing the effects of either one? Sometimes that happens, yes. But sometimes what happens is something called a “mixed state” and in that state a Bipolar will feel the effects of being both depressed and manic. This is where I’m at right now.
How did I get here? I’ll tell you.
I felt off, like I was starting to feel down, starting last weekend, but there were no reasons for me to be feeling that way and my medications have all been working fine so I thought it would pass. Then by Tuesday I felt even more unmotivated and worthless, but I didn’t just want to lie in bed and stare blankly at the ceiling like I usually do when I get like that. I had energy. By Thursday (this) afternoon the feelings of both depression and mania were in full swing.
It’s like wanting to crawl under the covers and cry, but then beat the crap out of your pillows at the same time. It forces me to do things like clean out enormous and hideously packed closets and go through all my clothes to get rid of the ones I don’t wear or don’t fit me (all the while forcing my husband to do this with me, who is not Bipolar, and certainly nowhere near manic) and then I’m up making French toast at midnight because I saw it on TV. And at any second while all this is happening I could just break down and cry because I’m a total mess inside.
I see my case manager tomorrow at noon. This is the first time she will have to see me having any real issues mentally so I don’t know what to expect from her. I hope she’s helpful. ALL kinds of anxiety going on about that meeting. That is definitely not helping me right now.
I should try to get at least some sleep. Even just resting is better than running at full speed all night. It’s the thoughts while lying there not sleeping that are the problem. 🙁
Okay, so the song is really “Manic Monday” but I think I’m having a manic Wednesday. At least, that’s what it feels like at the moment. It didn’t start out this way but I’m starting to get that extra burst of energy and that feeling like I could take on the world. I know I can’t, but maybe I’ll just start with taking on my to-do list?
So what’s on this to-do list? Well, there’s a lot of homework. I may have technically graduated, but I still have classes until the end of August. It’s a weird feeling. For homework reading, I have a 40 page “novella” to read called The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad, a chapter on plotting to read from Master Class in Fiction Writing: Techniques from Austen, Hemingway, and Other Greats (I LOVE this textbook), and a short story called “Steal Small” by Caitlin Horrocks. Quite a bit of reading, eh? Then I have to write a discussion post for the week based on the short story and its plot, and respond to at least two others’ posts. And I have to write a fiction short story of no more than 1,500 words focusing on the plot.
I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. So much has happened since the last time, too!
My doc added a new med (well, an old med, as I was on it before) to my medication stack before. I think I might’ve mentioned it. Anyway, he’s been slowly increasing that (it’s Lithium, by the way, the gold standard in Bipolar treatment) and soon he will start to decrease the risperidone, which is what I had been on before as a mood stabilizer. I am hoping all of this goes smoothly, as I can’t really afford any more manic or depressive episodes like I was having before.
Class is going well right now. We’re in week 3 of the 8 week class and I’m all caught up. I have two more classes after this and then they will send me my degree in the mail (I have to take them both at the same time – it was a stipulation of my walking in the graduation ceremony last weekend). And yup, you read that right! I graduated! Well, sort of. You know what I mean. 😀 Wanna see a picture?
Yup, that’s me and hubby outside after the ceremony. There were over 1,300 people graduating so it took a while!
Oh, and before I forget, I have a flash fiction piece published! You can read all about it HERE. Don’t forget to tell me what you think of it!
Usually, I shy away from professional writing contests because of the fees associated with them. You usually have to pay a small reader’s fee to have your work read which goes to pay the judges and to awarding prizes. I can understand why they do it, I just don’t want to get tangled up in them and spend more money on entering contests than I do winning them. I am absolutely sure this would happen when I first start entering writing contests and I’m not ready for it. Perhaps once I have a steadier flow of writing income coming in?
However, a friend pointed a writing contest out to me that I just couldn’t ignore. For one, the prompt of the contest spoke to me. For two, there was no entry fee so there went my only means of defense against entering. Would you like to see the contest? Click HERE.
I should have blogged about it sooner so that any of my readers could have entered if they wanted. I suppose there is still time until the first for a last minute entry. I am still making tweaks to mine but it’s mostly done. I hope to have it submitted by tomorrow afternoon.
If you are looking for more places to submit your work to, I suggest looking at Duotrope. It only costs $5/month and it’s a steal for the value you get out of it if you are serious about publishing your work. It takes some time to go through all the publishing venues to find the one that’s right for each piece you’ve written, but sometimes you find a venue that inspires you to write a piece just for them! It really is an amazing site, so try it out!
Now, I am getting manic and that usually means good writing, so I am going to plant myself in front of a keyboard until the magic happens! Either that or I get irritated and yell at my husband. Either one. *laugh!*
So I have two awesome new things to show you, and I don’t know which one I’m more excited about so I guess I’ll just start with the one that happened first.
I set up a whole new website, that uses the domain I’ve had for a couple of years now. This site is bought and paid for, there’s no free website crap going on here. I got it all from GoDaddy and it was so easy to do, even for someone who’s not very good with the technical aspect of setting up websites unless it’s the website builders that everybody uses nowadays. The nice lady on the phone got me all set up with my domain renewal for 5 years (so I’d get a better price on it) and 2 years of my website builder to keep my 5-page website up and running on my domain. SOOOOOO! Do you want to see it? Huh? Do ya, do ya? Here ya go! The new website is HERE!
So, what do you think? Do you like it? Does it look professional? Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts!
And the other thing I have to share with you is that my Kickstarter campaign is up and running! I am trying to raise funds to self-publish a memoir I am in the process of working on chronicling the 10 years I fought through my Bipolar Disorder to get my Bachelor’s degree. Please, share my Kickstarter page, or share this post, anything you can do to get the word out about this would help me raise the funds to make this dream come true for me. So what are you waiting for? Check it out!
Something I’m Proud Of: Having two awesome things to share with my friends and family today
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
My love of writing, both professional and creative
My friends and family for supporting me
The few and far between tech support agent that can actually help you do something!